My Journey into Entheogens for Self Exploration

Backstory

I have been a seeker my whole life. A seeker to find wisdom and meaning through yoga, meditation, world spirituality, indigenous traditions, fitness, creativity, nature, connection and much much more. Always on the search for new experiences to broaden my horizons. Last year, I got certified in Transformative Coaching and my Masters in Transpersonal Psychology, which is the study of all of the above including the farthest reaches of human potential and peak experiences. The graduate school I attended was founded by some of the earliest pioneers in psychedelic science, and many of the books and articles I read were written by them. I continued my reading and coursework in Navigating Psychedelics for Therapist and Clinicians, fully believing in natural and mystical power of the medicine to opened doors that allowed healing, self exploration and spiritual awakening. I have always been a recreational partier and often pushed the limits with an attitude of “never enough”, but have never had a true psychedelic experience. I was educated, experienced and ready for total ego dissolution. 

Set and Setting

I arrived at the journey house where 23 people whom I never met were spending the night to have a sacred ceremony using empathogens (forms of MDMA/ “ecstasy” in combination with psilocybin (“magic mushrooms”) along with 5 trained guides. We started in a small group with Holotropic breathwork to move our energy and get grounded. This included filling our bodies using deep breathing to produce high doses of oxygen and freeing sounds or even screaming. It was a very cathartic release.

We officially began the evening with a discussion about the stories we create, truth, and freedom to give us a context, focus and container for our own personal work. An important part of treating this process with respect is setting intentions and mindset. We went around the circle stating our intentions for the medicine. My intentions were a) to embody what I knew intellectually, b) to break free of my own self imposed limitations and c) connect with my divine nature, but most of all to d) learn what I most needed to know. Being a very social and outgoing person, I really wanted to go inside.

Sacrament

Every aspect was treated with the utmost respect, and we reviewed a very clear code of conduct for the evening. Popcorn buckets were available if we had to purge. My first thought was I won’t be needing that, I never throw up. After saying a prayer, we were given the “heart opener” (empathogen). Each person was given a dose according to their experience with different substances. I had dabbled with these substances 30 years ago but barely remembered it, so I was given a beginner dose. I decided not to make a case and accept what was given. We were led in a beautiful Yoga Nidra Mediation, and then everyone else began to light up. I felt nothing. I thought I must have been given a placebo. I sat quietly watching people engage in conversation, and then began to feel very hot. At that time, the guides were coming around to distribute the second sacrament of the “spirit opener” (psilocybin chocolate). They checked my condition and pupils, and told me to guzzle my water and that they would come back around to me. Another guide sat with me while I drank. “Bucket” I said. I purged into the bucket. “Good, good work. Go deeper. You are purging what no longer serves you.” I thought I felt nothing, but was now paying closer attention. What was I purging in my life and in my body? After that, I relaxed into kind of open, graceful feeling that was not too overwhelming.

They came back to me with my chocolate and again I was given the most baby dose. Again, I accepted that this is what I should have. The feeling that I had was very subtle, very light. I had to close my eyes and really look for it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone because it would over power it and disappear. I sought out a guide to tell him I didn’t think I had enough. He suggested that I might be blocking it and that I needed to allow myself to feel. Allow. Allow. “Help me” I asked. He performed some bodywork to relax and allow myself to feel more. He tapped my third eye. I began to see and understand that maybe I didn’t always need “more” substance, more knowledge, or more of anything, but just needed to listen deeper. It was time to truly embody my intellectual understanding of the magic of the ordinary. From that point on, I began to explore the more subtle realms of energy and realized this was my big lesson for the evening. What I am seeking is already inside me.

A lesson in love

I was lying in a room with headphones and eye mask. Others began to come in to go to sleep. Around 3am, I was jolted by some horrific snoring. Another woman in the room and I began to get really annoyed and trying to shush him, but it wasn’t working. She said “we need to do something about this, turn on the light and stop him”. Immediately, I jumped up turned on the light and shook him hard. “Dude”! He opened his eyes with the look of such fear and scurried from the room. I realized how harsh I was, but it was too late. I finally fell asleep.

When I woke, I went up to breakfast and saw him there. “I am so sorry for last night”, I said. “Me too. But I have to tell you, in this place of love, I thought that was very hypocritical. I felt daggers in your eyes and like you were taking me out back to shoot me. After I left the room, I came upstairs and processed what happened with other people for over 3 hours”. He continued, “ I learned something because I am usually the one who is tough and usually on the delivering end. Now I know what it feels like to receive that type of anger. I know how I snore and I have worked on it. It is a reason I haven’t had a good night sleep in months and this was the first time I did. I was deeply hurt with the way you treated me.” Ugh my heart sank. It was true. I had bulldozed him. In the past in my job, if someone needed to be fired, it was me who they asked to do it. Another lesson for me, to love, even when it’s hard. I could have handled it with more subtlety and love.

Integration

The most important part of the journey is the integration piece at the end. This is make meaning, and talk about how you are going to incorporate these new understandings moving forward into your daily life. Making meaning is especially insightful when you are aware and examine the meaning you are making. We gathered again in circle and shared. What people shared was deep and powerful, they confronted fears, entered wounds, and had profound realizations. I felt so close and so much love for everyone here. With the help good questions from the guides, they bravely faced what was revealed deep in their consciousness.

Onward

I will continue my intention of embodying and noticing the subtle realms. To love when it’s hardest. And use my new mantra of “allow” to help me open. This medicine has incredible power when used properly. I will continue the exploration. It is my hope to support and coach others pre-and post journey.